Denied General Craw419's Short Story Event Submission

[Craw]

Steam Name & ID: General_OrcA .

Steam ID: 76561199149030942

Discord Name & ID: General Craw419#9525

Minimum two paragraph backstory on the concept:

*"Northwest of City Four on the far coasts of Greenland lies a shipwreck crashed into the shore....further up in an abandoned wooden shack lies a group of people...sitting around a fire..huddling for warmth from the cold...each of them are refugees trying to escape from City Four in hopes of a new life...but they don't know where..

Upon their ship crashing against the shore they plan where to go next...They believe if they head West along the ice and frozen fields they can find Civilisation...hopefully not Combine..

However..they can't sit around and wait for it to come to them...a storm is coming...and they can't be inside it or else they will all die of Hypothermia...their Food and Water is low...some are starting to resort to drinking sea water...but only get sick..

But this journey ain't gonna be an easy one..out there could be packs of Antlions...Zombies...hell for all we know there could be a few miles from a Combine Outpost...

It's up to us to see who's strong enough for this perilous journey...."*

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OOC

If this event is accepted it would begin a few weeks after the conclusion of the "FREEMAN" SS. Before the event starts I would like prop placement in building around the map in the Short Stories Server.

I would like the event to take place in an icy,Foggy area with abandoned shacks to reveal a sort of abandoned mining town sorta look.

This will be a TWO PART event the first part being an introduction and travelling style one with scavenging for resources,interacting or fighting with any Antlion packs or Fellow Travellers ect.

Now the main goal for the first part is to find a safe place to hunker down with supplies before the storm comes in and wipes out the group. The ending of the first part will depend on player choice. If they don't do much and sit around then it is most likely half of the group is killed. If they scavenge and find a safe place then they will survive perhaps with minimal casualties.

The Second part will be when the storm passes and they make contact with a resistance group by radio or scouts.

I don't wish to spoil the rest for any potential player reading but if any SS member would like to know the rest do contact my Discord and I can fill you in.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━If your backstory does not cover the following questions, please answer them

Do you wish to spearhead the project if your concept is accepted? (You will run the event alongside the SS team.): YES.

Is this concept set in the Half-Life Universe?: YES.

Will this concept follow Willard's Timeline: YES.

Will this concept affect the main server?: I can't really see it affecting City 24 however the only way it could is if a survivor from the event shows up in the city from halfway across the world looking to join a group or something.

 

[Goose]

Please rewrite this. It’s a little hard to read in some places, since the flow isn’t very good.

I’ll speak on the concept after it’s rewritten, otherwise I may give false feedback.

 

[Craw]

@Goose I have updated the App I hope this will make it easier to read.

 

[Goose]

This event seems to be a little bland. I think you should take a little bit to rewrite it to me unique and exciting.

 

[Craw]

As I've stated above there is more to the story its just I don't want to spoil it all in that text in the case this does get accepted.

I can fill you in on the Unique part two on Discord if you wish

 

[Goose]

Sure.

 

[Takyon3]

After reading the story presented in the thread, and the other half posted on discord, I'm still inclined to say that this story is too bland and lacks any depth. Some advice to you if you write suggestions in the future:

Try not to write a story which could otherwise play out naturally on the main server. (People scavenging and moving about a barren map is not interesting or fun, and is the same gameplay present on the Willard city rp server). Meeting with a rebel group is something that could also happen anyway on the main server.

Expand your horizons. There are no limits when it comes to narrative.

 

[Craw]

I see.

Thanks for the Critique and advice.

I will look more into unique and intrequite ideas in the future

 

[Goose]

Going to mark this as denied.

As my comrade said, your story lacks uniqueness and more importantly gameplay elements. I feel as if you are capable of coming back and bringing us something unique, but as of now it’s a no.

Please take Takyons advise and this; remember that uniqueness is an important element. You mentioned to me in the discord you didn’t want to feel as if the story was railroaded, but sometimes a story can still be good with a railroad. It’s important to balance railroad and player choice.

Denied