"The Auditor" Tape interview recorded by an unknown visitor from C24 Central
Ignore the list numberings, used for the formatting visuals
Name: ______________________
What? I’m not sure I entirely follow. Hm? My mame? OH! You need my name?
.. You need my name? …
… You lot, you come here, from Central, with your brilliant, sophisticated and knowledgeable minds, don’t ye? Huh? You think us that low, do you? I’ve come here, in good grace, to hear of your tales, to listen to your feeble, ugly and lurid looking donkey face.. AND this is what you ask me? My NAME?
No! Don’t you sit there and wrap your bleedin’head around some goddamn manuscript! You’ve come here, to ask me, of my name! WELL - I’ll tell you my bleedin’name, mister donkey snot face! My name.. Is Beatrice Olmgurt Bulmer, Auditor of District Nine and loyal subject of our precious leader and Director, JOHAN VON ZLATOV.
Now don’t ever ask me my name ever again or I’ll have ye’ hanged. Simple as that, capeesh?
Age: ______________________
You just asked me.. WHAT!? Don't ye fo*¤&!# say tha'to me you WRETCHED F%5&!#
Occupation: ______________________
I just responded to that, what, are you incapable of nothing but read from’a manuscript? Bloody moron. I provide ye'answers but you keep your ears shut like a fish. A goldfish, even, you know? The ones who don't have ears? No? Love, are you even listening to me right now, yer' eyes gone red and moist-like, baffles the mind I reckon. Come 'e let me slap yer' face and get you back to order.
Prev. occupation: ______________________
None of your business, love.
Nationality: ______________________
City Two.
.. Why are you looking at me like that? I will not despoil myself with some former so called “region of kindred nationality”. I come from the region of City Two, that’s all you need to know. Nothing else is relevant to the likes of you. You probably want to know where I drink my coffee and eat my bagels next, don't ye? Creep.
Prior document notations: ______________________
I have no frig’ what that means. BUT if you’re asking for my due diligence.. I’m of course an arbitrator of mannerism, procurer of financial stability and behavioral pragmatism. In spirit, I’m what keeps the beasts and baboons at bay, shielding us from severe and devastating blows to our sacred fiscal duties... Plus I am of course a loyal subject of our beloved leader, JOHAN VON ZLATOV. Under his guidance we shall endure, mmrhm.. Although your stay here might complicate such matters, love.
Personality traits: ______________________
What the frig’? You don’t go around asking people such rubbish, do ye’? My personality is my own, it is an object, nay.. An intertwined piece of complicated matter that a simple minded moron, like yourself, cannot comprehend. Move to your next silly question or you risk boring me to death.. And you wouldn't want that, love.
... Complicated matters dearly upsets me, do you know that? I know that. It's why you upset me so. You complicate things.
Languages: ______________________
I speak perfect City Two-lang. Quite proud of it, if I say so myself. Judging by your nimble character, I'd say you're quite proficient in gutter-speak? No? Yes? I think so. I'm rarely wrong, you know.. It's why I'm so good at my job, hm? I know things, I see things.. I hear of things, and I can tell. I can tell the sort of lot you're from, nimble face, you're a bloodsucker, aren't you? Come here, to... To.. Rid us of our hard work! Our beloved values! You probably miss your cafes, don't ye'... Your bleedin park benches, moist sandwiches and-
*The rest of this tape section is seemingly missing, either deliberately by the author, damage or perhaps its simply gone missing.*
Backstory:
______________________
What matters, love... Is the current - I am an Auditor, under the beloved guidance of JOHAN VON ZLATOV. It is my duty, nay.. Sacred duty, to protect his fine district from the likes of you. Do you know how long I’ve tried to visit, nay.. Breathe the air of Central? Huh? A long frig’time is how long I’ve waited. I’ve served, nay.. I serve to one day join the bastion of Central - Where all dreams come teh’light under our sovereign Administrator. Only the lucky ones get there. How you're seemingly from there... Upsets me, greatly.
And then... Then, you lot, you come 'ere and ask such silly, abrupt and outlandish questions demanding names and who knows what..
People, like you, are not to question that. It upsets me, it really does.. What you lot do, is question the order of things - His order of things. The last’o did that to me I bleedin’ set to the gallows, you see. I sent him right the frig’ off, no hesitation. And you know what? He bloody thanked me, he did, it was mercy. And I told him.. “Under his guidance”.
… Why you looking all green’like? You gone daft? Have ye’not met an Auditor before as precious as me? Most likely not.. You lot only think of yourselves, don’t ye? Well, mister.. Donkey snot face, welcome to District Nine - I hope ye’frig behave yerself or the next time we meet it wont be as pleasant as this, I promise ye' that.
Now get me the fock’out’a ‘ere, send this moron out the door.
*The tape recording subsequently ends.*
"Huh, what an odd fella, well.. Best to send him off to'e gallows, I think. Can't 'ave them types lurking in hisprecious terminal."
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