In-Character Another Conversation

[VaherNitsen]

Spoiler: The Real Theme

You know. I wouldn't normally tell anyone this, but I don't like thinking about the future.
It worries me.
It's just another thing to worry about, you know? Though I guess you could say everything we worry about is just an indirect worry about the future- but you get me.
The now is a lot more tangible than whatever may be.
I've never been good expressing my thoughts. Don't think I ever will be, but it's good to say something every now and then.
Despite everything I say, act, or do- I've got worries the same as everyone else. I wonder if they're the same worries, or good worries, mind you, but I do still worry. It's not a fun thing, worrying.
Sorry- I rambled a bit there. I'm just thinking out loud, sort of.
Point is, I dunno what I'm gonna do. It feels like my future's been gone ever since I was born.
A kid in a bad situation, put into an even worse one. Pisses me off that I never got to go to college, but I wouldn't have been able to afford it anyways.
Besides, if things didn't go the way they did, would I be the person I am today?
I dunno. Let me explain.
People are just like buckets. All we do is exist and slowly store things- memories, injuries, thoughts, morals, all sorts of stuff. All of these are just moments, points in time- grains of sand.
As time goes on, your bucket fills with more and more sand. All that sand makes you, you.
An empty bucket is just an empty bucket, but a bucket with sand has weight, a distinctive look- you get what I mean, in any case.
If you tip that bucket over, and take that sand out- all those moments and defining things that make you *you*- what remains?
I guess that's what I mean to get across. Feels like the future is a bunch of sand- and no matter how hard I try to hold on, it slips between my fingers.
Sorry for rambling for so long. I appreciate your listening. I ought to head out, for now.
I'll seeya, yeah? Cheers.



....well, another day has passed.
I wake up, I do whatever, and then I go to sleep. Over and over.
I don't feel like there's any meaning to it, just on autopilot.
Today, I shot a man. My kill count's gun up drastically since the incident in 3- you... don't know about that. I don't like talking about it.
I must be up to... what, 10, 12? Somewhere near there. Guess it was justified.
Oh well.
I've been wondering a lot about how to feel about things- none of that 'I can't feel fear' crap. Just having a hard time really feeling much of anything. Not numb- blank.
I don't know the last time I've been able to say I've felt happy.
I don't know the last time I've been able to say I've not been alone.
There are people around me, and I'm friends with them and such, but... they're distant. I think I already told you this- I'll tell you again, anyway.
Everything around me feels like it's a current, a river of fate going along, and I'm a stone at the riverbed. Below it all. Unable to move with the current. Little pieces of me being taken as time goes on.
I guess I'm sad, yeah. I work, I exist, I breathe and eat and drink and build and whatever, and all I feel is sad. I don't want to sound whiny, but I've probably already come off as such, extremely so.
I don't even get a lack of fear from it- at least then I'd be more amiable in a gunfight.
Well... maybe not. I don't know. Against cops- my heart races. Against bandits, lowlifes that are better equipped and able to rinse us out? Easy. Smooth as can be. I don't get it.
I digress.
Just something I've been thinking about. I do worse when I'm near nobody, so I guess that at the least I have that small solace.
It's late.
I ought to rest.

Another day has yet again passed.
Weeks, rather.
Having time to think has become all I've gotten as of late- and yet I feel like I don't have a minute to rest.
She arrived the other day. In 24, and- she hates me.
I feel like I deserve it all, and none of it. A mess of a job... that I wasn't even responsible for, not all of it.
I guess it would have been different had I of put myself on the field, too- but fate absconded that day, telling me no.
Stupidity. Stupidity... no matter how hard I try to be the best I can be, it feels like it always comes down to me being a fool.
I can't think properly. My memory sucks too.
Oh well.