Lost Coast Chanties
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Another Reason to Kill Yourself An Ex-Citizen’s Survival Guide to PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING written by the world's greatest writer, E. M. |
Preamble
I really, really, really hate writing. I hate it. It makes me squirm from all the evil thoughts I have to dissuade myself from putting on paper… and there are a lot, really. But I’ve decided to put them at rest for you, my dear people. Mostly the female ones since historically like 80% of all homeless people were male (and the Combine times were no exception!!!), so it’s less of a gamble and more of an educated guess that they already know how to eat trash and throw bricks at zombies and what not. That neanderthal DNA has to account for something, right? Well, we (the actual female majority) were all much less fortunate. I can recall how I used to see evolutionary dead-ends walking around in high heels and fancy dresses all pompous and totally clueless of how stupid they looked. It was comical, especially when I imagined them being chased by those Xenian things that used to be a real terror outside the cities. Nowadays it’s a little better, but that’s for later. Right now I’m here to tell you why it’s important that you read my work IN FULL without skipping ANYTHING. The reasons are VERY simple to understand, so don’t worry about your paste addicted brain having some kind of trouble with these not-at-all confusing aspects of your new and great life. Oh, right, to preface, I am writing this in the greater past tense than you probably expect. Technically the regime hasn’t fallen yet, but it’s like right around the corner, so I’m just being proactive. In the worst case scenario I’ll just rewrite this whole thing and we’ll forget about it. Well, I will — you won’t even know anything got written. But hey, who knows, maybe this’ll make it into the new Library of Rebel Congress. Oh right, I should probably get to those reasons… Reason 1 YOU ARE GOING TO DIE Seriously, you’re just gonna die. I mean, imagine for a second that your city stops sending you food in a plastic pack. Where exactly are you gonna get your next meal from? Hunt a headcrab or something? Well, what are you gonna do that with? Where are you gonna FIND a headcrab in the first place? Oh, and here’s the best one: How are you gonna be any different from the OTHER fifty or so people that tried to do the exact same thing, but are now wandering around as zombies? There’s a reason there are so many of them, you know. It’s because people don’t prepare! I, myself, have always dreamt of being in a more conventional zombie apocalypse, because I knew I’d be the smart one that’d invest in like, actual wrist protection? Well, this is WORSE than a conventional zombie apocalypse, because they can be fast, slow, have GRENADES, and other stuff you honestly don’t expect. I will tell you exactly how to beat every stupid little alien viper that’s trying to put you down and eat you. In fact, WE are going to eat THEM. Let’s not forget who’s always been at the top of the food chain! Reason 2 YOU ARE GOING TO HATE YOUR FRIENDS If I predicted correctly, you are a woman. If you are a woman, you will know that the worst place to be in the world is to be near another woman. Betrayal is, fortunately, a very predictable phenomena, so unless you are silly enough to trust your extremely traitorous female friends, you will at least read this and know what kind of people to watch out for. After all, there aren’t gonna be any laws to protect you! “But my friends are the BEST, they’d never betray me!” Well maybe YOUR friends are super great and trustable, but newsflash, pal! EVERYONE IS OUT FOR THEMSELVES! The one thing you need to learn is that being a Machiavellian sociopath can get you to very nice places. But, before you shut this book and call me crazy, think about this: how come the tightest of Rebel bonds still produced depressed brown-bands walking around and wondering what the point of life was? The answer is actually very simple — we all fear death! We fear it so much, in fact, that we happen to turn into traitors to avoid it. We can’t help it, we’re just extremely mortal. Then again, Vorts aren’t very mortal, and they still betray each other. Ever seen a Loyalist Vortigaunt? Pff, what a show. In any case, everyone needs to know how to keep their friends loyal, recruit stragglers and watch out for bandits. You know, good leadership stuff? So, it won’t be just me telling you to kill your friends. That’s barbaric, and I’m offended that you would even think I’d do that. Reason 3 YOU ARE GOING TO MEET ME EVENTUALLY The chance of this happening is rare, but never zero! If I see you in real life, and you haven’t read my book, I will naturally be extremely upset. While I fully admit that I’m not as violent of a woman as I should be, I will still show my hatred towards you in a very passive-aggressive manner. And even if I don’t, I still have to know I have reached popularity, right? If I realise that I haven’t, I will continue to write, and you will hate it. So, to make your life easier, you should probably read this short thing in full, rather than be forced to read my potentially much longer thing in the future. |
Chapter 1
WHERE DO I GO!? If you were smart and didn’t print the preamble (I mean it is rather useless), this is where you and I shall start our little adventure. For the beginning, we’ll assume that the post-apocalypse stage of this nova historia has already entered through the front door of your domicile, since that’s when I’ll probably be sharing this little book around. The first obvious question you should ask yourself is: where the Deuce do set up my new home? Now, this question differs greatly depending on if you’re still stuck in some half-ruined city, or if you’re out in the great wilderness. Since pretty much all of the southern hemisphere is completely devoid of life (that I know of, at least), we will assume that in the second case your wilderness is of much greener variety. But that doesn’t really matter right now since I’ll be starting with the city part anyway… I. CITY
Want to get a good concrete shelter? Find a ruin and sleep under it, duh… Well, I guess it’s a little more complicated than that and really depends on a lot of factors. Was your city bombed with headcrab canisters? Are there lots of bad people running around stealing ladies’ purses? Is your neighbourhood going to blow up in a few hours? These are all extremely valid questions, but since I can’t predict every other little aspect that’ll come into play, I’ll just assume you’re in the worst case scenario and you live somewhere like Industrial Twenty-Four. Your first order of business is to figure out how long it’s been since the collapse, or in other words, how many days the Combine have been unable to order you around. The general rule of thumb is that the longer things have been in anarchy, the less good scavenging spots are left for you. Of course, this principle doesn’t exactly apply when people are all dying left and right and cannot loot what is rightfully yours, but that usually doesn’t happen on day one. Anyway, if you happen to already know that stuff is going downhill, it’s best you prepare before everyone starts panicking. Otherwise, if you’re like, a week past from the point of no return, it might be better to orient yourself on where things have been going and plan from there. For example, let’s say that, hypothetically, it’s been 8 days since Industrial Twenty-Four got nuked, or something along those lines. Have you heard any broadcasts of an evacuation? Seen any armed folks running on the streets? Heard synths shooting people? Don’t hurry to answer these questions, I’m just trying to get your head into the right state of mind! Focus on examining the situation. Assess the dangers and theorise on how things will continue. For example, if you notice that there’s a lot of stuff happening near your location, you might have to consider spending the night somewhere else. But, let’s say that your area is alright in the activity department: not great, but not too bad either. Where to next? Well, assuming you’re out on the open street (which you shouldn’t be in the future), look around. Depending on what part of the city you are in, you might have an easier or a worse time finding a good spot to settle down. Let’s oversee the usual options, shall we? Option 1, Residential Block You might think this is a good pick. A door, a bed, a toilet (which probably doesn’t work now) — everything you need for comfort! And, hey, there might be people there! Well, I know the thought of some impromptu roommate comradery can seem really romantic, but if you remember your now past-days under the Combine, you’ll probably realise that the one bad thing about apartments is that everyone knows where to find you. Don’t get me wrong, they can be serviceable if you have a lot of people that can reasonably secure the building, but if you’re alone — well, that’s a different story. Of course, if your block is small… well, it’s still pretty bad, since all Residential Blocks are conspicuous by design and usually only have one or two entrances. And I bet you don’t want to get boxed in, right? But hey, still better than sleeping under the bridge. If you’re dead-set on settling down in a Residential Block, there is one major plus. It’s all the furniture! Couches, tables, chairs… practically a post-apocalyptic base paradise! Get that stuff moved into the lobby immediately and block whatever doors lead outside (and windows too, if they’re on the ground floor). Next order of business — start searching! Look through every room and gather all of the supplies (and people) you can find. Use whatever kitchen appliances and buckets you can get your hands on to gather up as much water from the faucets as possible. Next comes the best part, REPLACING THE FRONT DOOR! If you haven’t found a screwdriver anywhere, fret not! Your standard CID can probably work as well, or a dull knife, or a bottle cap, if you’re lucky. Remove your room’s door from the hinges and then bring it over to the lobby. Remove the lobby door and screw in your room door in its place. BOOM! Now you have a front door you can use your key on! This means you have at least some way of making sure your Residential Block remains accessible to you only. Of course, you should still barricade the front when you remain inside — this stuff is really for when you go on looting runs. Besides that, have fun staring out the windows. You’ll be able to see how bad things get, but keep in mind that whatever is out there can see you too. Of course, it might be a pretty good boon if someone is trying to evacuate people — Residential Blocks would probably be the first place they’d go to. But, let’s not get too carried away with fantasies, shall we? Option 2, Store This one kinda depends on how big the store is and whether or not it’s in a populated place (plus if you have the key for it or not). But honestly? Pretty bad idea. I get the appeal of making your survivalist base in a bar, but unless it’s far away from all the trouble, it might just happen to break down your door one drunken night! Remember, everyone knows that stores have supplies in them, so you’ll be a prime looting location. Fortunately, most people have been extremely indoctrinated by their day-to-day shopping sprees to disregard storefronts without signs. Seriously, I worked in retail — if you have no store sign and your door is closed, people think there’s no business inside. So, grab your tools and get to removing that sign! You’ll stave off a good few looters. The bigger issue is, of course, the storefronts themselves. With big windows shining straight into your establishment, one can easily notice if something is going on inside, and I’m not even mentioning the fact that anyone could see the barricades! Your best bet is to scrape off the wallpaper and glue it to the window, or something along those lines, before putting some furniture to block it (ideally a fridge, if you’re in an ex-cafe), or barricade it with planks if you can find ones long enough. Boom, privacy at last! In any case, repeat the supply searching steps of the first option. Get some water into your kitchen appliances and start planning. Unless, of course, there is no kitchen. In which case, I honestly have no clue how you’re gonna cook anything. Not like you can start a campfire indoors. Oh well. Option 3, Sewer If it worked for the Rebels, it can work for you too. The one important thing to understand is that the sewer is… well, a sewer. It’s a massive health hazard (even without the spores) and it won’t be good to live for the first few days (or ever). Plus, there are ugly critters running around there, which becomes a real problem with the darkness of all abandoned man-made structures. Actually, the latter is probably going to be one of your main concerns. See, with all the places above ground, you at least have windows, right? Well, not the good old sewer, where you’re kinda screwed without a flashlight or a light source. Of course, getting a flashlight isn’t that hard — it’s more so the principle of potential dangers hiding to the sides of the narrow cone of brightness that serves as your only hope of ever getting around the minotaur mazes below the street. Plus, fighting a headcrab in the dark is… like, a really bad idea. Because of all of this I recommend you to get some basic protection first before heading down into the concrete bowels. Plus a flashlight, obviously. Oh, and find a puddle or something and soak whatever rag you have in that — holding that over your mouth is gonna be about the best you can do against the spores. Your main goal should be to scout the ratways beneath whatever entrance is nearest to you. Make sure to take note of any possible infestations or pathway forks. Your ideal base should be a place with a door, like a maintenance closet, or at least something narrow, like a hallway. Basically ANYTHING that doesn’t just have a wide opening. Seriously, it doesn’t matter how much junk you find there to block it, a headcrab will always find a way to push itself through, and it’s probably not gonna stop a zombie. But, before you go, remember that you’re almost doomed to get lost. For your own sake, use the right hand rule to go forward, and then the left hand rule to go back. If you were never stuck in a maze before, it all works on a very simple principle. Follow the right wall to whatever place you deem to be enough and then turn around and go back following the left door. If you’re hellbent on exploring the sewers to their limits, you might want to invest in a classic set of HOBO SIGNS! These are extremely smart little things which showcase just how ingenious humans are when they reach the poverty line. Hobo signs are basically markings that you make on walls for other hobos, but in this situation, they can be tailored solely to your use. Make up whatever imagery you want and scratch (or spray) them on the walls to denote where you’ve been and what landmarks wait further on. Feel free to make a marking for denoting where one needs to go for the exit — it’s gonna work wonders in a life or death chase! And even if you’ll never end up in one, it’s a good way to denote what routes to take to get around the city. Oh right, better figure out how to make a campfire. I doubt you’ll find a stove in the sewers. Option 4, Warehouse “Come all of you good workers Good news to you I’ll tell Of how the good old Union Has left you quite a place!” That’s the lyrics of that work-union song, so, you know, I’m not saying the Combine were good or anything. But whatever. A warehouse is, honestly, a really good base place? I know, surprising. Who’d have thunk that the state wage factory would become their domicile? Obviously, this is what Ford had in mind when he designed the conveyor. There’s only three small problems. First are the biolocks, which fortunately you can get through by… smacking them a lot (or being ex-CWU and having your card). Second is that some people will be thinking about raiding the warehouse for tools, which might get you some new friends, but you can’t know for sure. Lastly for the third, warehouses are pretty big, so you might need some pals to secure the place with. Otherwise, you’re pretty much set. Usually the CWU warehouses are a little more far away from residential areas than the other urbanite stuff, they have a lot (I mean A LOT) of useful things inside, a good few entrances, and, lastly… FABRICATORS! Oh yes, if the power hasn’t gone out yet, it’s time, baby, it’s time to craft! You can make ANYTHING with those things, seriously. Just get some resin or biopaste, a battery, and a blueprint (if the item you want to make requires it). Hell, I’m pretty sure they can make guns too — all you need to do is find a blank disc and this weird yellow box thing (the height of which is about that of a human). Put the disk into the slot, insert the item you want to put on disc into the giant gaping mouth of the mechanical beast, press the button to start the process, and you can get your own blueprint for a gun! (I didn’t actually ever get to test this, so don’t get too upset if it doesn’t work, m’kay?) You can also fabricate medicine, gasmasks, clothes, FOOD… it’s honestly a miracle machine. You can literally become a new-world warlord with them. When they run out of power, charge the battery in these weird grey machines that look like they’re for working wood. They got a big sort of baulk running horizontally, if I can recall correctly. Put the empty into the right slot next to the button, and then insert whatever stupid trash you don’t care about into the slot on the baulk. Press the button and the battery will charge by 10%. Don’t overcharge it or it’ll explode (I never blew up one because I was the best worker of all time). But guess what, it gets even better! Ever since 2020, every warehouse has a terminal with an in-built BROADCAST CHANNEL! Oh yes, you can finally tell all of those stupid idiots what you REALLY think of their laws! Of course, if you use it, whatever is left of the Combine in the city will probably know you’re held up in the warehouse, but hey, imagine how many people you can attract to your base! You can literally start a new settlement. Now, I am mentioning all this with the idea that power hasn’t yet been shut down, but even if it has been, the warehouse probably has some backup generators. Seriously, best place ever. Well, maybe not if you’re a loner, but it’s definitely worth checking out. The employee-only fridge always has some tasty stuff (yes the CWU has a whole kitchen for workers). Option 5, Clinic I never liked CMU to be honest. Actually, I really hated them because they told me to bugger off when I wanted to get hired by them. Imagine that, I could’ve been a doctor by now, but no. I got stuck writing all this stupid nonsense and other junk. Oh well. If you want to live in a surgery room, I guess this can be your chance. I personally don’t think it’s worth the hassle, though. I know, I know, I was all so over the warehouse base idea, but here I’m not even giving the clinic base a chance. Well, the issue is that it’s pretty much the only place to get medicine in the city. With tools, you can at least go raid a couple of stores or something, but first aid kids? Straight to the clinic. So basically, you’re gonna have a lot of visitors. Also they usually only have one entrance and a permeating smell of alcohol. And who can forget the confusing layout. Good place to loot, not that good of a place to call your home. Sorry med-heads! Option 6, Random Office Eh, why not? Not like anybody’s gonna be looking for you in a freaking office, right? Plus, you’ll probably find a water cooler and a lot of chairs for barricades. Serviceable enough, all things considered… well, except the singular entrance, and the small space, and the boredom. Oh, and the biolock on the door, and the lack of a stove… But, overall, your random local bureaucrat’s office might not actually be that bad of a place to hang out in, although that greatly depends on where it’s located. As you probably guessed by everything I mentioned in the other options — the more remote, the better! Option 7, Train Station Booth Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, right? Technically nobody ever goes to the train station, like, ever, so it’s not as packed as you might think. It’s not awfully good either, though. Small space, no amenities, no stove, no sink, and if you’re unlucky enough — a metal door blocking your way in. If that’s the case, just forget about it, because you’re not getting in. Good sides? The aforementioned lack of people (unless they still think there are trains around to take them anywhere) and… well, I guess you can be the first to evacuate if someone arrives by train? It’s a really slim chance, so I wouldn’t bet on it. You could always just move to the trains proper if they’re there, but that’s a really bad place to base in (it’s like one long corridor, come on). So yeah, overall a pretty bad choice. I’m only considering it as an option because the one in my city is basically just a room behind a normal unlocked door, plus you could, in theory, make a little supply cache there if your main base ever gets overrun. Option 8, Combine Checkpoint Everyone loves irony, right? I do, so why not live in an abandoned checkpoint? Well, one, you’re probably not getting in, and two, there are probably angry stitches with guns inside. But, assuming someone has already cleared the place out (and broke the doors down in the process), you might as well make yourself a hermit crab and base in the abandoned metal hull. Seeing as you probably won’t be able to repair the doors, you’ll basically be stuck in a metal room with one open entrance. Not the best choice for a base, in my opinion, but times are tough in the post-apocalypse. Of course, it’s a wholly opposite story if you can operate the door in any way, but that’s a rather wild scenario to entertain. The space inside won’t get bigger no matter how you put it. II. OUTLANDS
If you’re reading this particular section, there’s a good chance that you’re still reeling from the greatness of your daring escape from the gloomy and depressing city into the bright and jolly jungle. Oh, just feel the great winds of freedom and the smell of fresh, blooming flowers! Unless it’s winter, of course… in which case I can only wish you luck with your future foraging efforts. But let’s not get too carried away, our main goal is getting ourselves a shelter, and what a monumental task that is! See, unless you (somehow) brought a car with yourself, or a map with all the pre-war gas stations and lumber houses, you’re gonna have a pretty hard time finding anything even remotely suitable for a comfortable living. The outlands are BIG, too big to go walking in a random direction in hopes of finding a nice untouched cabin. I mean, even if you do happen to find one, how do you know that it doesn’t belong to a serial killer? No, we’ll have to do this the HARD way. Like the homesteaders of old, we’re going to make our very own shelter! Step 0, Cheat But, technically... you don’t actually NEED to make a shelter. I know I just said that I don’t expect you to find any man-made structures, but nature already kinda offers a good few alternative options for a rough night's sleep. They aren’t good, per say, but if it’s late, you might be better off saving your strength and settling for the primal homo-sopians experience. To preface, your main goal is to find something that protects you from water and wind. You don’t want to get a cold and die, right? The most obvious natural shelters are caves, but the safety of them is questionable. If it’s a small cave that doesn’t trail off anywhere and doesn’t happen to have a bunch of bones inside, it’s probably safe to sleep in. Seeing as most bears and wolves got eaten AGES ago, the main cavern adversary to look out for will be Antlions. You should be able to notice if those annoying bugs are using your cave by the presence of claw marks and disgusting liquids on the walls. If your cave has a winding path to god-knows-where, well… just remember that Antlions are not scared by fire. You’re not spooking one with a torch if you go exploring. Best to see if you hear any screeches — they occasionally like to make loud noises, for some reason. Of course, if getting potentially dragged off in your sleep isn’t to your fancy, try the rock overhangs! Depending on how high it is, it might even make for a good cabin roof. But that implies the ground isn’t a rock either. Next on the natural estate list is the classic hollow tree slash log. These are pretty rare all things considered, seeing as it’s mostly the older trees that have person-sized openings. But, if you’re lucky, that’s a pretty good spot to spend the night in (plus hide from some freaks). Just remember to climb into it LEGS FIRST! That way you can actually cover yourself with leaves and what not instead of sleeping with your head stuck deep inside. If you’re really lucky, you might find an uprooted tree. Depending on the angle, sleeping in the spot where it used to stand could be quite a good choice. The ground will already have a little spot for you to lie in, and the fallen tree will serve as some serviceable cover. Lastly, we have bushes. Worst spot ever, right? Well, some animals used to sleep in those because they happen to protect from the wind and what not, plus they hide you from predators. So, if you have no other options, it might be a good idea to find a brush thicket of some kind. But if you have time, it’s better to make an actual shelter. Step 1, Location Yep, you read that right. Our first step is making sure that the location we pick won’t lead to our unfortunate demise. See, you could spend all the time in the world making your little leaf tent, but if it suddenly starts raining cats and headcrabs, and the local lake consumes you in your sleep, well… I’d say that’d be quite an unfortunate thing, right? Now, I’ll have to admit that, besides some long-forgotten girl scout tricks (that I’ve already forgotten), I’m not entirely an expert in spotting all the evils of nature, but I’ll give you what I DO remember, and, coincidentally, what I think is true based on logic alone. Our ideal spot is dry, flat, isn’t under things that can fall on us, protects us from the wind, is moderately hidden (better safe than sorry, right?), and, of course, isn’t too close to any potential dangers like Antlion hives. Optionally, it should include some landmarks so we can find our way back, but you can probably make some later when you have the time. For now, you’re better off putting some sticks vertically in the ground if you’re planning on exploring. But, coming back to the ideal location — keep in mind all of this applies to vast areas of land, so I’m not asking you to find, like, some PARTICULAR spot. Actually, we’re going to pick the precise location based on how much energy we can save! The next step is all about that. Step 2, Foundation You probably already have some kind of shelter in-mind when you think about a woodland leaf tent, and if you don’t, just imagine a horizontal cone that you crawl into. To make that cone (or more like a tetrahedron, really) we need an overhead foundation to hold the sides of our shelter. Of course, when I say “overhead,” I mean in a lying position (so you can fit under it, duh). It will be going from the ground and onto something that will hold it, essentially making the long side of a triangle if you look at it from the sidelines. Now, you could, of course, find a big stick and put it on a tree branch, but why waste all that energy hauling stuff when you can just look around? Mother nature already hates trees enough to make them break apart for no reason. If one of said trees happened to fall and land on another tree — well, consider yourself in luck! That’ll be a perfect natural foundation for our shelter. The same applies for basically anything lengthy that you can put a stick against. Just make sure that it WON’T FALL ON YOU! That’s the key part. The last thing you want is to get stuck under a giant branch! Step 3, Protection Your next step is getting other sticks to build your “wall” from. Really, they’re just there to protect you from the weather — sorta like self-made wooden fences that you put against your overhead foundation. Now, as before, you could break the sticks and waste your precious energy, or you could do it like a real homo-sapiens and wedge particularly long ones between trees, then push to one side or the other to make them snap. Seriously, I thought this stuff was absolutely genius when I first learned about it. But anyway… make sure to put all of the sticks close together on one of the sides. Also, get them pressed slightly into the ground for good measure. Once you’re done, it should look like someone put the aforementioned self-made stick-fence on a fallen tree branch. Plus, the whole thing should look like a triangle, as you remember. Now, by themselves, the sticks are not gonna protect you from either winds or water. What we need is a good covering, or as the Anglo-Saxons called it, a good THATCHING! Feel free to put whatever you want on there. The usual suspects are leaves and rolls of moss. Once you’re done, grab whatever cushy material you can find (the aforementioned moss works wonders, so I heard) and put it on the ground beneath your "walls" — it’ll basically serve as your bed roll from here on out. All in all, it’s like an hour of work, give or take. Ta-da, you have a place to sleep now! Step 4, Advancement You probably thought we are done, and, technically, we pretty much are (for this section, at least). But, if you decide to invest in a better humble abode, it’ll be good for you to know a few of these things I learned from reading up on old Anglo-Saxon history. For starters, I’m not going to give you all the details since, frankly speaking, I’m not an architect, but I will tell you some of the stuff I know. One of the first tricks is making a sturdier fence slash wall. It mostly involves grabbing some sticks which aren’t that big in width and wedging them between your fence “poles.” This will basically fix them together with the power of friction. Next, if you find some thin flexible sticks, you can twist them to break off the bark and reveal pretty useful fibers. Why are they useful? Simple, you can use them as a rope (albeit a rather tight one)! Simply keep twisting until you reach the end of the stick, then chomp it off or something. Of course, it’s better if you have something that can be used to cut it. The final product can be rather useful for securing parts of the aforementioned fence together. Lastly, if you have straw, reeds, rushes or anything with the same strength of the stem, you can mix them into the dirt with a good bit of water to create this sort of knockoff clay. Stick and push it into your fence, and boom, it’ll be like the most primitive wall of all time. Well, that’s all I know. Now we’re actually finished. |
More chapters coming in the near future. Check for updates on OldWorldBlues.net!!! |
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