Letter Dear Citizens...

[Lost Coast Chanties]

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Yet another letter seems to have been
taped to the local notice board. . .
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My fellow language wielders, I have come to bring you a written confession: the English language is the worst thing to have ever happened to me and, frankly, the whole of lingo-space! And this is no overstatement - this vile language is so inconsistent and cruel to its speakers that one must wonder whether or not those dreadful Anglo-Jute-Frisian-Saxonians have conjured it from the very pits of hell! Don't believe me? Well, how come the word 'women,' which is CLEARLY written with an 'O,' is spelled [wɪmɪn]? And why is the singular form, which is also written with an 'O,' is NOT spelled [wɪmən]? Here's another anomaly: the letter 'L!' How come if you spell it in the beginning of the word, it's a 'Light L,' but at the end of the word, it's a 'Dark L?' What does the state of illumination have to do with anything pronunciation related!? And what about 'CH?' You'd think it'd be pronounced [ʧ], like in 'chair,' right? WRONG! Sometimes it's [ʧ], sure, but in others, it can be [k] like in 'chaos,' or [ʃ] like in 'chef.' But do you know what else can sound like [ʃ]? 'Notion' and 'Social!' How does that make ANY sense? What about 'GH?' Does it make the [f] sound, the [t] sound, or nothing not all? Oh no, it's ALL THREE! 'Enough,' 'right' and 'through!' Now, you might come to defend this vile language by saying it has a very complicated history, thus the reason why there are so many inconsistencies. But you'd be wrong, actually - because those Jute-Frisian-Saxonian-Angles had no freaking clue what they were doing either! The letter 'G' could be either [g], [j], or [ɣ] (what even IS that letter!?). 'F,' 'S' and 'C' could be pronounced as [f], [s ] and [c] OR as [v], [z] and [ʧ]. The English Language has thus ALWAYS been terrible and undeserving of any praise. This is why I propose TWO ways of solving these mistakes and progressing into the bright future. Number one is the simplest - we must eliminate ALL inconsistent spellings and read the words as they are written. Thus, we will no longer have to read 'colonel' like [kɜːnəl] or 'indict' as [ɪnˈdaɪt]. We will also switch all pronunciation prosecution on those who wish to constantly correct other people's spelling. On the opposite spectrum, the second option will be based entirely around forcing people to correct their spelling. Since the threat of mispronunciation spreading and consuming other minds is far too likely, we must take up arms (our reading sheets) and employ terribly drastic measures... 'The Chaos'. No soul will be spared, as the reading of the Poem's couplets will become an obligatory Loyalty Check, forced at random intervals by Civil Protection. Those that fail to read the contents without committing less than >three< mistakes per couplet will be forced to attend special Phonetics Classes, which will be hosted by the Ministry of Enlightenment. Students will be FORCED to learn pro-Combine poems (like those of the handsome Carter Bradley) and recount multiple tongue-twisters (Peter Piper and Betty Botter included). Failure to pass the Classes will result in one's demotion to Underclass, which will thus be renamed to Tier F (standing for their class grade). These are, unfortunately, the only two options available at our disposal. The choice of selection is entirely up to you. One way or another, I want to see everyone out on the street speak either consistently wrong or consistently right - no in-betweens! In addition, I propose this new period of the English Language be called 'Ultra New English,' standing for its ultra new state (since I thought up of it this morning).​ ​ - Yours truly, Zealous Citizen​

 

[Ket]

buddy made a hate thread on the English language and posted it to the board