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- Sep 17, 2019
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- #1
Some of you all are nasty. Don't you lie to me, I know at least FIVE of you are nasty, underage, smelly ogres. I know at least one of you are morbidly obese. I know most of you are skellies. Don't you fucking lie to me you little goblins. I'm about to make you alpha af. You ready?
Hygiene
Being clean. Nobody gives a shit what you do or have if you smell like a fucking swamp ghoul. Good Hygiene is FUCKING IMPARATIVE!!!
Shower at least once every two days, when you sweat out, when you can smell yourself, or after working out (even if you didnt sweat). Do not think "Oh I can't smell myself so no stink! No showers!!!" Yes, you fucking stink. Take a shower. You are nose blind.
Don't use 2 in 1 hair solution (Shampoo & Conditioner in one). It inherently works against what you want. Use a shampoo AND THEN a conditioner. Use anti-dandruff if you have dandruff or flaky head skin. Head & Shoulders works wonders.
For soap, you only need to hit "problem" areas. These are: Your arm pits, cock n balls, ass, and any grime caked on your disgusting body, you little gremlin. Water can handle the rest, and soap on these areas can actually dry them out. Don't shower more than once a day UNLESS YOU FUCKING NEED IT!!! You will begin to dry out your skin with soap.
Trim and Maintain your nails. Don't let your nails grow out to long lengths. They collect more dirt, can cut you, and can look gnarly. Trim them. Biting your nails is also shit and makes your nails and fingers look damaged.
Clean your ears. Nobody wants to see shit in your ears. Gross. Bulb and warm water (DONT USE FUCKING CUETIPS), shoot water into your ears and let the wax flush out.
Wash your face twice a day. Your face gets excessively dirty due to oil throughout the day and night. Wash with at least soft soap and warm water. Make sure the soap doesn't dry out your face. If you shower, that can count as washing your face once.
BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH. People CAN SMELL YOUR SWAMP GAS BREATH. Brush your teeth twice a day, floss at least once a day. Yes, FLOSS. Brushing only gets the front of and back of your teeth, not the sides. Yes, your gums will bleed at first. That happens when you never fucking floss.
Trim your facial hair. Ya the little scrub of wire hairs on your sideburns and chin? You aren't pulling it off. It looks like neckbeard shit. Unless you can evenly grow a FILLED OUT style that you can then fashion, don't even bother. Pubic hair teenage-tier shit doesn't fly and you look gross.
On a side note, pluck/cut nose and ear hairs if they are visible from outside. That shit looks nasty.
Wear Deodorant. No, it doesn't fucking matter if you don't sweat, or don't stink. Put that shit on in the morning, and before you go to bed. THIS IS A FUCKING HUGE ONE. Body odor can be smelled from a mile away and people WILL notice if you sweat without deodorant.
Clean your clothes. There is no point in making your body smell good if your clothes smell like shit, cause people can smell them. Here's a good tip: Shirts go for 2 days a week max, 1 day preferably, but try not to wear them two days in a row. Socks go for ONE day, MAX. Pants and shorts go for 3 days. Underwear goes until you shower or soil them, you shitty pissy baby. Coats, jackets, uniforms and generally anything that is made of thick material (including pants, JEANS DONT COUNT AS THICK MATERIAL) can go a whole week- BUT THERE'S A CATCH TO ALL OF THIS: If you get grime (mud, filth, cigarette smell, etc.) on any clothes, or sweat them out (doesn't usually occur to overgarments), they're laundry binned.
Clean them however you wish. I recommend once a week laundry cycles. 6-7 shirts a week, 2-3 shorts/pants a week, 7 pairs of socks a week. Undergarments depend on how much you shower. As per what is written, at least four a week, but you work for a living (SWEAT = SHOWER), so 5-6, and you also want 1-2 extra cause you're about to become a chad who gets pussy and girls be grindin and shit.
Bodily Care and Appearance
"OMG XD we all fuckin die anyways and people only care about what's on the inside XDXD like idc if-" SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Not only is it the traits of the lazy and stupid to not care about your body BUT PEOPLE CAN FUCKING TELL AND THINK YOU'RE A LOSER.
"B-But my mommy told me girls should only care what's on the inside!" HELLOOOOOO? NEWS FLASH RETARD!!! THIS IS THE REAL WORLD!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY judges you on your appearance, at least to some degree. Some might not care after the initial judgement, but MOST of them hold lasting impressions.
But you're in luck thank God! You can actually change a lot of your physical appearance!
First, an immediate game changer, Stop Mouthbreathing Retard. No, not just breathing through your mouth, I mean letting your jaw slack while you breath, through your nose. Also called "Mewing", you need to place the majority of your tongue against the roof of your mouth and let it rest there. This tucks in the bottom of your jaw and makes your neck and jaw look more defined, especially over time, but also immediately to a degree. You also end up talking better.
Stand up straight, you fucking ape. Stop slouching or hunching over. You look feeble and lazy when you do that. You want to straighten your back and neck, pull your shoulders back, and puff your chest out to a natural level. Think of it as aiming your nipples to the sky. You should see your chest before anything else when you look down. Of course, don't overdo it or fucking hurt your spine. Do note it will be uncomfortable at first because you're a basement dwelling cave goblin beta. People naturally respect you more when you stand up straight.
Eat healthy food. Stop eating candy and fast food all the fucking time. It's okay in moderation, but you shouldn't be having it more than 2-3 times a week (PER MEAL). You'll look better, and feel better, when you stop stuffing your fat fucking mouth with trash.
Drink water, stop drinking crap. Stop drinking soda, energy drinks, juice, and sugar water. "But gatorade is healt-" CONGRATS, YOU FELL FOR SUGAR WATER PROPAGANDA. Gatorade/Powerade is only good during high cardio activity, not for drinking and sitting on your fat ass. Drink 3 - 5 bottles of water (16 oz.) a day depending on your height and weight. Add 2 bottles if you are exercising/sweating. Seriously cut soda. That shit is garbage. Tea and coffee are fine as long as you are drinking enough water. They are NOT FUCKING SUBSTITUTES FOR WATER! Alcohol is okay every week or so, but the only excuse for heavy alcohol is social gatherings.
Stop being addicted. If you are addicted, you're a fuckin pussy. Stop getting cucked by your animal ape rape brain and live your own life. Stop smoking cigarettes, stop doing drugs, and stop drinking alcohol if you're a full blown alcoholic.
Get proper sleep. Working out requires proper sleep to rehabilitate. Functioning efficiently requires proper sleep. Living requires proper sleep. You need 7-10 hours a night of sleep. No, I HIGHLY doubt you are a special snowflake who only needs 3-4 hours of sleep. Your body is like a battery, and you need a CONSISTENT amount of sleep every night. Go to bed on time, get up on time. Each body requires their own amount of time, so find out if you need 7 hours, 8 hours and thirty minutes, 9 and fifty fucking eight- just find out and stick to it. It promotes mental clarity throughout the day and keeps you from getting fat, and gives you the energy to bulk good if you're skinny. With this being said, don't sleep too long. It can fuck with your mental and physical health. Teenagers need more sleep than adults, usually around 10 hours.
Style and Fashion
Hygiene and Health only gets you so far (IT'S STILL FUCKING IMPORTANT). Style and fashion are the decoration. Sure, people are impressed by your big as fuck muscles, and you have a pretty face, but it still fucks your impressions if you look fucking hideous.
Hair. Long hair, short air, in between- the important thing is that you get it ready for the day. If you have hair that gets frazzled or crazy out of bed, you comb that shit. No, I doubt you can pull off the bed head look properly. Long hair (hanging from your head) looks weird on guys unless you are going for a style and can pull it off. Longer hair that's still around your head just needs to be styled. Again, bed head only works if you can pull it off. There is nothing wrong with short hair, and I personally recommend it for men, but if you can make something else work, go ahead. You also don't need to spend as much time maintaining short hair.
While I can't give personal fashion advise for longer hair (look it up), I can tell you that fades are the way to go 90% of the time for short hair. There's all sorts of fades, and some head shapes work better for different fades. Find one you think you like, and let your barber know.
Oh ya, time to stop going to your mommies favorite hair salon. You're a man, and they have hair stylists for men called barbers. They are specifically specialized in cutting men's hair, and doing men's styles. Find yourself your favorite barber, tip them if you are able, and feel good about yourself.
Clothes. Time to get you drippin'. Clothes are big, because while you can sit there and tell yourself that "you just dress to get by", people are thinking you look LAME. Drop the jeans and sweater/coat look. Ya I get it, you're self conscious about your thin as fuck arms or how fat you are. People don't think you are magically bigger for having a coat on. I was a high schooler once too. If you wear a coat out of season, people are LAUGHING at you, and it's all your fault. Ya those generic sneakers probably aren't working either. Contrary to what you think, fashion actually helps your life out a lot. People respect others who dress well. Girls are more attracted to you. You feel good about yourself. You generally just socialize better.
Head on down to a fashion forum. Reddit sucks, but it has pockets of okay. /r/malefashionadvice has lots of guides on fashion and is very helpful. Educate yourself on looking fire and then go get your mommy to buy you your clothes. The important things however are:
Fragrance. Yes, fragrance. Cologne is a marketing term that actually only refers to one type of fragrance, not a gender specific product. Same with perfume. Being clean is just the base. It's time to up your game. Scent is a big part of human interaction. Why just settle at "I don't stink!"? Get yourself a fragrance that you like, that personifies you. The subreddit linked in Fashion has guides for this.
Accessories, WATCHES. Expand yourself. Watches are highly recommended for any outfit. A watch can tell someone a lot. What do you value? What are you worth? It's more than just a timepiece, and you want that to show. Working out? Going out? On the job? Formal? Get a watch. I recommend at least one utility watch, one dress watch, and BONUS for another fancy watch that wear outside of formal dress. The utility watch is the exception for cheap value because a watch that just tells the time can give an okay impression that, hey, you're putting in that fucking WORK, not looking to be fancy. For work, I have a Casio F-91W, 15$. It fits with my uniform, and is perfect for working out because it's durable and slim.
Accessories also apply to backpacks and eyewear. Always consider a pair of shades of some sort. Again, subreddit above has a guide for it. Different headshapes call for different shades cause not everyone looks good in aviators.
Social Life
So you feel great, act great, and look great. Now it's time to act great. You'll only get so far if you act like a fucking sperg all the time, or a complete retarded insane psycho.
Look people in the eyes. This is the most important social tip you can take from this. LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYES WHEN YOU INTERACT WITH THEM. If your first reaction when someone looks at you is to flinch away or immediately look elsewhere, you are setting the immediate perception of "Oh this guys shifty." or "Oh this guys weak." or "Oh this guy doesn't fucking care." Ya, it can feel uncomfortable for you if you aren't used too it. Get over it. Of course, you don't have to death stare them through an entire conversation, but generally return eye contact when you think it'd be natural. The important bits are when you greet someone, are saying something important, when asking a question, when being told something important, or when departing and giving goodbyes.
As for just passing someone, you can generally look at them and establish a few seconds of eye contact. Not too little as to come off as if you are scared or were doing something wrong, but also not too much as to come off as creepy or as if you actually are staring at them. Of course if you are focused on something else, don't even bother.
Don't even bother looking at someone if you aren't focused on them, or don't intend to give the impression that you are focusing on them.
Talk firm and of appropriate volume. Indoor and outdoor voice is bullshit, by the way. It's just a way to get kids from literally YELLING at people. You talk the volume needed to make your message heard, and firm. If you whisper shit or mutter when you don't need to, you come off as confused, shifty, or indecisive, even when the actual message is not intended that way. Furthermore, note your intonation, or how your sentences end. If you constantly raise the pitch of your voice at the end of sentences, you come off as nervous and gittery, because you use "upspeak" with questions not with regular statements. If you lower the pitch of your voice at the end, you sound more assertive, and sure of yourself. You use this "downspeak" for questions when you want to make it known that it's a serious question in a serious moment. Speech is fucking big because if you don't sound sure of yourself- if you stutter and talk quietly and constantly sound nervous, you will be seen as a nervous person.
Don't invalidate yourself. If you're making a point, or proposing something, don't work against yourself you stupid motherfucker. If you want something to happen, don't start listing off its negatives unless you genuinely want the other person to know the negatives for their own sake. Doing this shit will always make you come off as unsure, scared, or like you'd rather have someone else take over. This applies to your own qualities as well. Sure, playing down yourself at times (MODERATION) can be seen as humble, or funny. Constantly calling yourself stupid and weak and shit however will tell people you are insecure.
Give a firm introduction. Whenever you meet someone you are going to be around for more than 5 minutes, you need to introduce yourself. Even if you never meet them again, at least they'll have a name to put you with. Just say your name and ask for theirs if they haven't given it. Furthermore, give a firm handshake if you are offered one. Do not be a limb wristed idiot and give a weak one. It gives an incredibly poor perception, and makes you look weak.
Don't be afraid to assert yourself. Someone's slighting you? Giving you shit? Think someone is pulling bullshit? Alright. What are you gonna do? Sit down and take it up the ass? Be a man and let your will be done. A few moments of awkwardness and tension is better than being trampled on. Ya it sucks to have to get ugly sometimes, but it's necessary if you want to be about yourself. Sometimes it doesn't need to be ugly though. If you can resolve conflict in an assertive but non-aggressive manner, than by all means do so. The goal is to not be a pushover.
Don't become the suckup. The doormat. The nice guy. The simp. The tool. Don't change your opinion to fit someone elses. Don't agree just to agree. You can disagree without insulting. Guys do this with chicks all the time cause they think that letting them get walked on is how you get pussy (LOL). Attention fishing also falls under this. Trying to beg or garner for someones attention, be it man or woman, is pathetic. STOP BEING PATHETIC.
Be Brave. Act confident if you aren't confident. Do stuff even if you are scared. Glory belongs to those who have the will to obtain it. A few moments of awkwardness is always preferable to a life of regret.
Be Generous. Do people a favor. Favors go a looooong way. They establish security, make people like you, and in a somewhat callous take, make people feel indebted to you. Do something for someone and ask for nothing in return. That way, when you suddenly require aid, they are more willing to step in and "repay" the favor.
Be Positive. Nobody wants to be around the guy that's constantly sad, angry, and bitter. Nobody finds you moping at a table cool or edgy. Be willing to talk to people, show positive traits such as liking things. Engage people and have energy. People find it draining to talk to those who just constantly bitch and moan. The same applies to sounding negative. If you constantly sound like you're just done or that you don't care, people will rightfully assume that you actually don't fucking care.
Lifestyle
How you act and live your life. This covers things that relate to past topics, as well as things you actually do.
Get a fucking job! Are you of legal age to begin working in your country? Great! GET A JOB YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT! Reality check: Mommy and Daddy would be a lot happier if they didn't have to hear you crying for video game money all the time! They're also going to hate it if they have to take care of you as an adult! Hell, even just an income of your own is okay- there are hundreds of different options out there. Not only does it get you money, but jobless poor people get looked down upon by others, and rightfully so if they can actually work. Being a lazy bum isn't admirable or respectable at all. Not only that, but a job is more than just an income. You're providing a product or service to society, which is rewarded with MONEY.
Get a hobby! Nothing says you're boring more than not having a hobby. No, watching tv or playing video games is not a fucking hobby. A hobby is a productive, self fulfilling form of entertainment. Collecting movie iconography? Making video games? Sure, that's a hobby. You can also have multiple hobbies. I recommend to find at least two hobbies: One that you personally like, and one you can partake in with friends and other social gatherings. Have one of them be productive instead of just collecting shit. Learn to play an instrument, collect paint and play tabletop models or get into tabletop roleplay, get into art, play a sport, collect postage stamps, etc. These give you purpose, and shapes the kind of person you are to other. Yes, even working out, or your career craft can be a hobby.
Handle your finances! Big one. It's hard to do shit without money, and constantly asking your friends for money or saying "sorry I can't afford to do this with y'all my parents didn't give me my allowance <
" is how you stop getting invited out to do shit with them. The biggest thing you can do here is make a budget. Seriously, budgets are godsend and absolutely required for effective management of your money. It lets you know what you need to cover and how much you can put aside for yourself personally.
Clean your damn house! Clean that which you have been given reign of. You have only a room? Clean it. Have a room and a bathroom? Clean it. Stop making your parents do all your dirty work, and stop living in filth. Your friends secretly think your room smells bad if it isn't clean. Your home leaves a lasting impression on those who visit it. Nothing says well kept and about themselves like a clean, tidy home. This also includes making sure your home isn't damaged. Minor issues may be excusable, but giant holes in your wall or peeling wallpaper is trashy and yuckypilled. Also help your parents clean, especially the areas that you live in such as your kitchen and living room. Don't even do it for compensation. It shows you give a damn and means a lot to them.
If its optimal, get a car! This only applies to those where a car is preferable to public transport, which is most places. Are you really going to bike, ride the bus, or bum off others for the rest of your damn life? Your friends aren't your taxi service. Dates think your bike is lame. Save up, and at least get a starter car. Vehicles for 1000-2000 dollars are easily feasible and can last you a while.
Save money! Someone's impression of you is going to bottom out when they find out you are living paycheck to paycheck. There's being in poverty, and being poor. Poverty means you just don't have good money. Poor is when, as shit hits the fan, you're immediately struggling to stay above water. Save up money to fall back on and people will find you stable and ready for the worst. Budget.
Have your own home! Are you of age to live independently? Are you financially able? Excellent! Time to move out of mommy and daddies house! At the very least, pay for your part of the rent/bills if you live with your parents. Seriously. Get an apartment, get a roommate. Get out of your parent's house. The goal is being independent, and having to rely on mommy and daddy is how you let others know that you are your own man. If you can't afford a home, then find a way to afford one.
Have a goal! "So what do you want to do with your life?!" "Oh uh... I don't know- just uh... work at Walmart and play vidya games???" "..." Do something with your damn life. Become a higher up in a company. Get a well paying job. Own a business. Start a family. Do SOMETHING. If you're working at Walmart to survive at retirement, you've FAILED at life. Having a goal and working towards it gives you purpose, and shows others that you aren't a deadend human being.
Get an education! Finish High School (For god's sake finish high school...). That's the big, big one. If you don't have a high school degree or a GED (High School Degree equivelant for adults who didnt finish High School in America), you are going to be floundering in life. But we aren't settling for mediocre, so go beyond. Get certifications for a good job, learn a trade/craft, get a college degree. People respect someone who has some form of higher education than the average high school degree.
Become independent! That's really all this entire section is about, living for yourself and off your own means while appearing as such.
Personality
"But what about my PersOnaLiTY?!" Fuck you. Just bee (Bzz) yourself. You know how long it would take to write a section like this? Personality comes with experience and time. Just see what annoys and what doesn't annoy people around you and be introspective. Be willing to criticize yourself and take criticism from those ballsy enough to give it. Then be willing to change. Good luck.
Conclusion
Basically? You're a fucking normal person now! Congrats! Welcome to being epic and not a deficient retard!
Hygiene
Being clean. Nobody gives a shit what you do or have if you smell like a fucking swamp ghoul. Good Hygiene is FUCKING IMPARATIVE!!!
Shower at least once every two days, when you sweat out, when you can smell yourself, or after working out (even if you didnt sweat). Do not think "Oh I can't smell myself so no stink! No showers!!!" Yes, you fucking stink. Take a shower. You are nose blind.
Don't use 2 in 1 hair solution (Shampoo & Conditioner in one). It inherently works against what you want. Use a shampoo AND THEN a conditioner. Use anti-dandruff if you have dandruff or flaky head skin. Head & Shoulders works wonders.
For soap, you only need to hit "problem" areas. These are: Your arm pits, cock n balls, ass, and any grime caked on your disgusting body, you little gremlin. Water can handle the rest, and soap on these areas can actually dry them out. Don't shower more than once a day UNLESS YOU FUCKING NEED IT!!! You will begin to dry out your skin with soap.
Trim and Maintain your nails. Don't let your nails grow out to long lengths. They collect more dirt, can cut you, and can look gnarly. Trim them. Biting your nails is also shit and makes your nails and fingers look damaged.
Clean your ears. Nobody wants to see shit in your ears. Gross. Bulb and warm water (DONT USE FUCKING CUETIPS), shoot water into your ears and let the wax flush out.
Wash your face twice a day. Your face gets excessively dirty due to oil throughout the day and night. Wash with at least soft soap and warm water. Make sure the soap doesn't dry out your face. If you shower, that can count as washing your face once.
BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH. People CAN SMELL YOUR SWAMP GAS BREATH. Brush your teeth twice a day, floss at least once a day. Yes, FLOSS. Brushing only gets the front of and back of your teeth, not the sides. Yes, your gums will bleed at first. That happens when you never fucking floss.
Trim your facial hair. Ya the little scrub of wire hairs on your sideburns and chin? You aren't pulling it off. It looks like neckbeard shit. Unless you can evenly grow a FILLED OUT style that you can then fashion, don't even bother. Pubic hair teenage-tier shit doesn't fly and you look gross.
On a side note, pluck/cut nose and ear hairs if they are visible from outside. That shit looks nasty.
Wear Deodorant. No, it doesn't fucking matter if you don't sweat, or don't stink. Put that shit on in the morning, and before you go to bed. THIS IS A FUCKING HUGE ONE. Body odor can be smelled from a mile away and people WILL notice if you sweat without deodorant.
Clean your clothes. There is no point in making your body smell good if your clothes smell like shit, cause people can smell them. Here's a good tip: Shirts go for 2 days a week max, 1 day preferably, but try not to wear them two days in a row. Socks go for ONE day, MAX. Pants and shorts go for 3 days. Underwear goes until you shower or soil them, you shitty pissy baby. Coats, jackets, uniforms and generally anything that is made of thick material (including pants, JEANS DONT COUNT AS THICK MATERIAL) can go a whole week- BUT THERE'S A CATCH TO ALL OF THIS: If you get grime (mud, filth, cigarette smell, etc.) on any clothes, or sweat them out (doesn't usually occur to overgarments), they're laundry binned.
Clean them however you wish. I recommend once a week laundry cycles. 6-7 shirts a week, 2-3 shorts/pants a week, 7 pairs of socks a week. Undergarments depend on how much you shower. As per what is written, at least four a week, but you work for a living (SWEAT = SHOWER), so 5-6, and you also want 1-2 extra cause you're about to become a chad who gets pussy and girls be grindin and shit.
Bodily Care and Appearance
"OMG XD we all fuckin die anyways and people only care about what's on the inside XDXD like idc if-" SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Not only is it the traits of the lazy and stupid to not care about your body BUT PEOPLE CAN FUCKING TELL AND THINK YOU'RE A LOSER.
"B-But my mommy told me girls should only care what's on the inside!" HELLOOOOOO? NEWS FLASH RETARD!!! THIS IS THE REAL WORLD!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY judges you on your appearance, at least to some degree. Some might not care after the initial judgement, but MOST of them hold lasting impressions.
But you're in luck thank God! You can actually change a lot of your physical appearance!
First, an immediate game changer, Stop Mouthbreathing Retard. No, not just breathing through your mouth, I mean letting your jaw slack while you breath, through your nose. Also called "Mewing", you need to place the majority of your tongue against the roof of your mouth and let it rest there. This tucks in the bottom of your jaw and makes your neck and jaw look more defined, especially over time, but also immediately to a degree. You also end up talking better.
Stand up straight, you fucking ape. Stop slouching or hunching over. You look feeble and lazy when you do that. You want to straighten your back and neck, pull your shoulders back, and puff your chest out to a natural level. Think of it as aiming your nipples to the sky. You should see your chest before anything else when you look down. Of course, don't overdo it or fucking hurt your spine. Do note it will be uncomfortable at first because you're a basement dwelling cave goblin beta. People naturally respect you more when you stand up straight.
Eat healthy food. Stop eating candy and fast food all the fucking time. It's okay in moderation, but you shouldn't be having it more than 2-3 times a week (PER MEAL). You'll look better, and feel better, when you stop stuffing your fat fucking mouth with trash.
Drink water, stop drinking crap. Stop drinking soda, energy drinks, juice, and sugar water. "But gatorade is healt-" CONGRATS, YOU FELL FOR SUGAR WATER PROPAGANDA. Gatorade/Powerade is only good during high cardio activity, not for drinking and sitting on your fat ass. Drink 3 - 5 bottles of water (16 oz.) a day depending on your height and weight. Add 2 bottles if you are exercising/sweating. Seriously cut soda. That shit is garbage. Tea and coffee are fine as long as you are drinking enough water. They are NOT FUCKING SUBSTITUTES FOR WATER! Alcohol is okay every week or so, but the only excuse for heavy alcohol is social gatherings.
Stop being addicted. If you are addicted, you're a fuckin pussy. Stop getting cucked by your animal ape rape brain and live your own life. Stop smoking cigarettes, stop doing drugs, and stop drinking alcohol if you're a full blown alcoholic.
Get off your lazy ass and work out. If you're overweight, you're fat. "But deh nice people on teh internet said fat is positive :3" I REALLY HOPE YOU SAY THIS WHEN YOU'RE DYING FROM A HEART ATTACK, LOSER. The vast majority of people do not find being fat as a positive. You underperform physically, you suffer from health problems, and people get the initial perception that you are lazy and uncaring.
Ah ah ah! Don't think your skinny ass is getting away mister bones! Being fat and obese is one thing, but skelly's are just the other end of the shit spectrum. You ALSO underperform physically, naturally don't feel as well as average weight people, and people get the initial perception that you are weak of both body AND will. That's right, people think you're a pushover.
So what's the solution? YOU FUCKING EXERCISE!!! WORK OUT RETARDS! It's not fucking difficult!
Do you need to lose weight? Eat less food, pick up and put down weights, and do cardio workouts. "I'm big boned! I'm genetically fat! I already eat less food!" BULLSHIT! All fucking bullshit! I'm almost certain all of you are free of any weight related health conditions. Food in, food out buddy! If you eat less than you need per day, you WILL lose weight. It's that fucking simple. Make sure to lift weights with more reps as to get your heart pumping, and doing cardio workouts to burn calories. This is known as cutting, and is all about getting rid of excess fat gained from calories.
Do you need to gain weight? Eat more food, and pick up and put down weights that are heavier and/or more often. "I have high metabolism! I already eat so much food! I'm genetically skinny! I'm-" DON'T FUCKING CARE, ALL BULLSHIT! All excuses made by skinny retards (including me at one point in life). You aren't eating enough, or else you'd be getting FAT right now. You are at the perfect point to begin bulking. If you want to look big, juicy, and ultra muscular, eat a LOT more than you need per day, and lift weight for a lot of reps. This is known as bodybuilding, and is more about looking really good and muscular instead of lifting a ton of weight, but you'll naturally be stronger. If you want to look big, and be FUCKING STRONG, you want to eat a LOT more than you need per day, and lift weight for less reps, but a lot more weight. This is known as powerlifting, and is more about becoming as strong as possible. You'll naturally look a little chunkier and less "lean". If you want to look lean, but also PERFORM, you want to eat just a bit more than your daily need, but do a lot of high rep weight lifting and cardio. This has a lot of names like toning, or just optimizing for performance. LOOK UP WHAT MACROS YOU NEED I'M NOT LISTING THEM ALL OUT FOR YOU.
"Omg I'm just so lazy! I never feel like going to the gym, I'm not motivated." SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!! Motivation gets you through your last rep of a bench press, NOT GETTING YOU TO THE FUCKING GYM. Drop this shitty mindset of being "motivated" and MAN THE FUCK UP AND GO. Ya, you're not gonna want to fucking go. So what? Go because you HAVE TO, not because you WANT TO.
"I'm- I'm a pussy who's scared of being laughed at and put in the cringe comp
"But working out is uncomfortable and makes me sore
Get proper sleep. Working out requires proper sleep to rehabilitate. Functioning efficiently requires proper sleep. Living requires proper sleep. You need 7-10 hours a night of sleep. No, I HIGHLY doubt you are a special snowflake who only needs 3-4 hours of sleep. Your body is like a battery, and you need a CONSISTENT amount of sleep every night. Go to bed on time, get up on time. Each body requires their own amount of time, so find out if you need 7 hours, 8 hours and thirty minutes, 9 and fifty fucking eight- just find out and stick to it. It promotes mental clarity throughout the day and keeps you from getting fat, and gives you the energy to bulk good if you're skinny. With this being said, don't sleep too long. It can fuck with your mental and physical health. Teenagers need more sleep than adults, usually around 10 hours.
Style and Fashion
Hygiene and Health only gets you so far (IT'S STILL FUCKING IMPORTANT). Style and fashion are the decoration. Sure, people are impressed by your big as fuck muscles, and you have a pretty face, but it still fucks your impressions if you look fucking hideous.
Hair. Long hair, short air, in between- the important thing is that you get it ready for the day. If you have hair that gets frazzled or crazy out of bed, you comb that shit. No, I doubt you can pull off the bed head look properly. Long hair (hanging from your head) looks weird on guys unless you are going for a style and can pull it off. Longer hair that's still around your head just needs to be styled. Again, bed head only works if you can pull it off. There is nothing wrong with short hair, and I personally recommend it for men, but if you can make something else work, go ahead. You also don't need to spend as much time maintaining short hair.
While I can't give personal fashion advise for longer hair (look it up), I can tell you that fades are the way to go 90% of the time for short hair. There's all sorts of fades, and some head shapes work better for different fades. Find one you think you like, and let your barber know.
Oh ya, time to stop going to your mommies favorite hair salon. You're a man, and they have hair stylists for men called barbers. They are specifically specialized in cutting men's hair, and doing men's styles. Find yourself your favorite barber, tip them if you are able, and feel good about yourself.
Clothes. Time to get you drippin'. Clothes are big, because while you can sit there and tell yourself that "you just dress to get by", people are thinking you look LAME. Drop the jeans and sweater/coat look. Ya I get it, you're self conscious about your thin as fuck arms or how fat you are. People don't think you are magically bigger for having a coat on. I was a high schooler once too. If you wear a coat out of season, people are LAUGHING at you, and it's all your fault. Ya those generic sneakers probably aren't working either. Contrary to what you think, fashion actually helps your life out a lot. People respect others who dress well. Girls are more attracted to you. You feel good about yourself. You generally just socialize better.
Head on down to a fashion forum. Reddit sucks, but it has pockets of okay. /r/malefashionadvice has lots of guides on fashion and is very helpful. Educate yourself on looking fire and then go get your mommy to buy you your clothes. The important things however are:
- Make sure your clothes fit. Nobody finds your baggy ass jeans cool. You look ridiculous with a top too small. Etc etc. Get clothes that fit you, in all regards.
- Outfit yourselves in that which is you. Trying to imitate movie and video game characters is a one way trip to goofy-nigga town. The outfits were made for a specific body style, for a specific theme, for a specific character. You aren't going to pull it off, and people will recognize that you're just trying to copy what you saw somewhere else.
- Like 2, know that there is no "perfect outfit." Wearing biker leathers doesn't make everyone look cool. Different clothes fit different people. Aim to outfit yourself in that which personifies and adds to your personality and general appearance.
- Graphic tees only look okay in casual as fuck settings. By yourself, with friends, etc. You don't wear graphic tees to parties, formal events, or on your date. If you want to look GOOD for the occasion, drop the graphic tees.
- Different shoes for different occasions. Oooo do NOT let me find out you have one pair of shoes for your life. You look RIDICULOUS wearing those cringe as fuck sneakers at a damn party. A DIFFERENT PAIR OF SHOES FOR AT LEAST EACH OF THE FOLLOWING: Business Casual/Uniform (Work, Semi-Formal Parties), Formal Dress (Weddings, Funerals, Formal Parties), Casual (Walking around, hanging with friends, parties, etc.), Athletic (Sports, Exercise, etc.).
- And you don't settle for mediocre, so you're getting shoes that FIT THE FUCKING OCCASION. "Formal Dress" doesn't fucking mean nike tennis shoes you MORON.
Fragrance. Yes, fragrance. Cologne is a marketing term that actually only refers to one type of fragrance, not a gender specific product. Same with perfume. Being clean is just the base. It's time to up your game. Scent is a big part of human interaction. Why just settle at "I don't stink!"? Get yourself a fragrance that you like, that personifies you. The subreddit linked in Fashion has guides for this.
Accessories, WATCHES. Expand yourself. Watches are highly recommended for any outfit. A watch can tell someone a lot. What do you value? What are you worth? It's more than just a timepiece, and you want that to show. Working out? Going out? On the job? Formal? Get a watch. I recommend at least one utility watch, one dress watch, and BONUS for another fancy watch that wear outside of formal dress. The utility watch is the exception for cheap value because a watch that just tells the time can give an okay impression that, hey, you're putting in that fucking WORK, not looking to be fancy. For work, I have a Casio F-91W, 15$. It fits with my uniform, and is perfect for working out because it's durable and slim.
Accessories also apply to backpacks and eyewear. Always consider a pair of shades of some sort. Again, subreddit above has a guide for it. Different headshapes call for different shades cause not everyone looks good in aviators.
Social Life
So you feel great, act great, and look great. Now it's time to act great. You'll only get so far if you act like a fucking sperg all the time, or a complete retarded insane psycho.
Look people in the eyes. This is the most important social tip you can take from this. LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYES WHEN YOU INTERACT WITH THEM. If your first reaction when someone looks at you is to flinch away or immediately look elsewhere, you are setting the immediate perception of "Oh this guys shifty." or "Oh this guys weak." or "Oh this guy doesn't fucking care." Ya, it can feel uncomfortable for you if you aren't used too it. Get over it. Of course, you don't have to death stare them through an entire conversation, but generally return eye contact when you think it'd be natural. The important bits are when you greet someone, are saying something important, when asking a question, when being told something important, or when departing and giving goodbyes.
As for just passing someone, you can generally look at them and establish a few seconds of eye contact. Not too little as to come off as if you are scared or were doing something wrong, but also not too much as to come off as creepy or as if you actually are staring at them. Of course if you are focused on something else, don't even bother.
Don't even bother looking at someone if you aren't focused on them, or don't intend to give the impression that you are focusing on them.
Talk firm and of appropriate volume. Indoor and outdoor voice is bullshit, by the way. It's just a way to get kids from literally YELLING at people. You talk the volume needed to make your message heard, and firm. If you whisper shit or mutter when you don't need to, you come off as confused, shifty, or indecisive, even when the actual message is not intended that way. Furthermore, note your intonation, or how your sentences end. If you constantly raise the pitch of your voice at the end of sentences, you come off as nervous and gittery, because you use "upspeak" with questions not with regular statements. If you lower the pitch of your voice at the end, you sound more assertive, and sure of yourself. You use this "downspeak" for questions when you want to make it known that it's a serious question in a serious moment. Speech is fucking big because if you don't sound sure of yourself- if you stutter and talk quietly and constantly sound nervous, you will be seen as a nervous person.
Don't invalidate yourself. If you're making a point, or proposing something, don't work against yourself you stupid motherfucker. If you want something to happen, don't start listing off its negatives unless you genuinely want the other person to know the negatives for their own sake. Doing this shit will always make you come off as unsure, scared, or like you'd rather have someone else take over. This applies to your own qualities as well. Sure, playing down yourself at times (MODERATION) can be seen as humble, or funny. Constantly calling yourself stupid and weak and shit however will tell people you are insecure.
Give a firm introduction. Whenever you meet someone you are going to be around for more than 5 minutes, you need to introduce yourself. Even if you never meet them again, at least they'll have a name to put you with. Just say your name and ask for theirs if they haven't given it. Furthermore, give a firm handshake if you are offered one. Do not be a limb wristed idiot and give a weak one. It gives an incredibly poor perception, and makes you look weak.
Don't be afraid to assert yourself. Someone's slighting you? Giving you shit? Think someone is pulling bullshit? Alright. What are you gonna do? Sit down and take it up the ass? Be a man and let your will be done. A few moments of awkwardness and tension is better than being trampled on. Ya it sucks to have to get ugly sometimes, but it's necessary if you want to be about yourself. Sometimes it doesn't need to be ugly though. If you can resolve conflict in an assertive but non-aggressive manner, than by all means do so. The goal is to not be a pushover.
Don't become the suckup. The doormat. The nice guy. The simp. The tool. Don't change your opinion to fit someone elses. Don't agree just to agree. You can disagree without insulting. Guys do this with chicks all the time cause they think that letting them get walked on is how you get pussy (LOL). Attention fishing also falls under this. Trying to beg or garner for someones attention, be it man or woman, is pathetic. STOP BEING PATHETIC.
Be Brave. Act confident if you aren't confident. Do stuff even if you are scared. Glory belongs to those who have the will to obtain it. A few moments of awkwardness is always preferable to a life of regret.
Be Generous. Do people a favor. Favors go a looooong way. They establish security, make people like you, and in a somewhat callous take, make people feel indebted to you. Do something for someone and ask for nothing in return. That way, when you suddenly require aid, they are more willing to step in and "repay" the favor.
Be Positive. Nobody wants to be around the guy that's constantly sad, angry, and bitter. Nobody finds you moping at a table cool or edgy. Be willing to talk to people, show positive traits such as liking things. Engage people and have energy. People find it draining to talk to those who just constantly bitch and moan. The same applies to sounding negative. If you constantly sound like you're just done or that you don't care, people will rightfully assume that you actually don't fucking care.
Lifestyle
How you act and live your life. This covers things that relate to past topics, as well as things you actually do.
Get a fucking job! Are you of legal age to begin working in your country? Great! GET A JOB YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT! Reality check: Mommy and Daddy would be a lot happier if they didn't have to hear you crying for video game money all the time! They're also going to hate it if they have to take care of you as an adult! Hell, even just an income of your own is okay- there are hundreds of different options out there. Not only does it get you money, but jobless poor people get looked down upon by others, and rightfully so if they can actually work. Being a lazy bum isn't admirable or respectable at all. Not only that, but a job is more than just an income. You're providing a product or service to society, which is rewarded with MONEY.
Get a hobby! Nothing says you're boring more than not having a hobby. No, watching tv or playing video games is not a fucking hobby. A hobby is a productive, self fulfilling form of entertainment. Collecting movie iconography? Making video games? Sure, that's a hobby. You can also have multiple hobbies. I recommend to find at least two hobbies: One that you personally like, and one you can partake in with friends and other social gatherings. Have one of them be productive instead of just collecting shit. Learn to play an instrument, collect paint and play tabletop models or get into tabletop roleplay, get into art, play a sport, collect postage stamps, etc. These give you purpose, and shapes the kind of person you are to other. Yes, even working out, or your career craft can be a hobby.
Handle your finances! Big one. It's hard to do shit without money, and constantly asking your friends for money or saying "sorry I can't afford to do this with y'all my parents didn't give me my allowance <
" is how you stop getting invited out to do shit with them. The biggest thing you can do here is make a budget. Seriously, budgets are godsend and absolutely required for effective management of your money. It lets you know what you need to cover and how much you can put aside for yourself personally.Clean your damn house! Clean that which you have been given reign of. You have only a room? Clean it. Have a room and a bathroom? Clean it. Stop making your parents do all your dirty work, and stop living in filth. Your friends secretly think your room smells bad if it isn't clean. Your home leaves a lasting impression on those who visit it. Nothing says well kept and about themselves like a clean, tidy home. This also includes making sure your home isn't damaged. Minor issues may be excusable, but giant holes in your wall or peeling wallpaper is trashy and yuckypilled. Also help your parents clean, especially the areas that you live in such as your kitchen and living room. Don't even do it for compensation. It shows you give a damn and means a lot to them.
If its optimal, get a car! This only applies to those where a car is preferable to public transport, which is most places. Are you really going to bike, ride the bus, or bum off others for the rest of your damn life? Your friends aren't your taxi service. Dates think your bike is lame. Save up, and at least get a starter car. Vehicles for 1000-2000 dollars are easily feasible and can last you a while.
Save money! Someone's impression of you is going to bottom out when they find out you are living paycheck to paycheck. There's being in poverty, and being poor. Poverty means you just don't have good money. Poor is when, as shit hits the fan, you're immediately struggling to stay above water. Save up money to fall back on and people will find you stable and ready for the worst. Budget.
Have your own home! Are you of age to live independently? Are you financially able? Excellent! Time to move out of mommy and daddies house! At the very least, pay for your part of the rent/bills if you live with your parents. Seriously. Get an apartment, get a roommate. Get out of your parent's house. The goal is being independent, and having to rely on mommy and daddy is how you let others know that you are your own man. If you can't afford a home, then find a way to afford one.
Have a goal! "So what do you want to do with your life?!" "Oh uh... I don't know- just uh... work at Walmart and play vidya games???" "..." Do something with your damn life. Become a higher up in a company. Get a well paying job. Own a business. Start a family. Do SOMETHING. If you're working at Walmart to survive at retirement, you've FAILED at life. Having a goal and working towards it gives you purpose, and shows others that you aren't a deadend human being.
Get an education! Finish High School (For god's sake finish high school...). That's the big, big one. If you don't have a high school degree or a GED (High School Degree equivelant for adults who didnt finish High School in America), you are going to be floundering in life. But we aren't settling for mediocre, so go beyond. Get certifications for a good job, learn a trade/craft, get a college degree. People respect someone who has some form of higher education than the average high school degree.
Become independent! That's really all this entire section is about, living for yourself and off your own means while appearing as such.
Personality
"But what about my PersOnaLiTY?!" Fuck you. Just bee (Bzz) yourself. You know how long it would take to write a section like this? Personality comes with experience and time. Just see what annoys and what doesn't annoy people around you and be introspective. Be willing to criticize yourself and take criticism from those ballsy enough to give it. Then be willing to change. Good luck.
Conclusion
Basically? You're a fucking normal person now! Congrats! Welcome to being epic and not a deficient retard!
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